By Francis Ewherido

“My wife loves me and cares for me, but she does not respect me.” This was the puzzle I was confronted with a few weeks ago. The wife loves and cares for him, but does not respect him; is that possible? I spent time thinking about it, but made little headway in unravelling the puzzle. I decided to look at the definitions of the three words again. 

Love: Love is an intense feeling of deep affection for a spouse. The dictionary definition does not do enough justice to what love means in a marriage. So let me move to the bible: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (I Corinthians 4-8). Please note these three phrases in our topic today: “it is not proud,” “it does not dishonour,” “it is not easily angered,” and “it keeps no record of wrongs,” as we move on.

Care: The process of protecting someone and providing what that person needs. Care here includes “in sickness and in health.” There are women who are married to men in their 50s upward, who are more of caregivers than wives these days. There are also men who find themselves in such situations. Some husbands of pregnant wives are basically caregivers. But the essence is to care at ALL TIMES, not just when the spouse is going through challenges. This is clear enough.

Respect: “Respect, also called  esteem, is a positive  feeling  or action shown towards someone… considered important or held in high esteem or regard…. It is also the process of honouring someone by exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings” (Wikipedia). Did you notice “care” in the definition of respect?

Today’s topic was inspired by the complaints of a husband. He said the wife loves and cares for him, but does not respect him. It did not make sense to me. How can a woman love and care for you, but does not respect you? Is that possible? I thought that love, care and respect, though different, come as a bouquet and are in fact interrelated. Are they separable? Since the man complained to me a few weeks ago, I have been thinking about it. In fact, it was mysterious? That is why so I decided to dig further. 

The wife respects and cares for him, he is emphatic on that, but he also insists the wife is disrespectful? How? She overrules him sometimes publicly, even when he has told her that a consensus should be reached on matters concerning the family before being made public. She takes decisions concerning the children without carrying him along. She sometimes serves him food absentmindedly. He also feels that the wife sees him as an obstacle; she wants him out of the way so that she can call the shots in the house. She raises her voice and sometimes shouts at him. She makes the effects of disagreements between them to drag on for days or even weeks thus creating tension in the home. 

Now, let us try and make sense out of the scenarios. On love, going by the 1 Corinthians passage, her love for him is not total; it needs to be. She shouts at him; is it always, I asked him. “Not really,” he responded. “Only when she is angry and she does have a temper.”  My thoughts, she needs sessions on anger management; she also needs to be in control of her temper. The bible says you can be angry, but do not allow your anger to lead you to sin. 

I asked further, “have you asked her what the anger is all about?” “That is where the real problem is; she simply refuses to talk,” he responded. If you asked me, I would say the issue is not lack of respect, but breakdown in communication, bottled up feelings and uncontrollable anger. She simply needs to realise the importance of communication in marriage. Communication is the livewire of marriage. No marriage can work without it. She needs to speak out. The husband is not a mind reader and there is no way he can read her mind’s construction on her face. 

Communication is also important in conflict resolution. In empathic communication, to be specific, one spouse states his position and the other spouse listens attentively to fully understand what the position of the spouse. Based on his/her understanding, he/she then responds and they arrive at a consensus. In politics, it is called thesis, antithesis and synthesis. Synthesis is collaborative, the inputs of both parties to arrive at a position and it is usually better than thesis and antithesis. It is wrong for one party to feel she is more intelligent and has all the solutions to all issues and should be accepted as such. 

Whatever a woman’s perception of the relationship between a man and a women, traditionally and biblically, the man is the head of the family, do not undermine his headship, especially if he is a responsible man. The prefix “Mrs.” goes with concomitant responsibilities. The bible also admonishes wives to respect their husbands. Do not go into marriage or remain in marriage if you are unwilling to accept these responsibilities.

On his part, there are likely things our subject matter is not doing right. If he says his wife is loving and caring, but does not respect him, something is not right. He should take a deeper look at himself. I did ask about their finances because money issues do create such a problem. He said they are middle class. The children are in good schools and they live relatively well for a middleclass family. They go on holidays every two or three years. Over all, I feel the wife must open up; that is crucial to solving the puzzle, or what do readers think? 

VERDICT 2023

Today, Nigerians go to the polls to elect a new president and vice president. Also to be elected are senators and members of the House of Representatives. So much propaganda and false information are flying around. The uninitiated are being misled. Everyone is predicting victory for their candidate. Incidentally, only one candidate would emerge victorious. After months of politicking, candidates and their supporters must be ready for the joy of victory or the agony of defeat. The latter is a bitter pill to swallow. It can kill you if not properly managed. Winners should be magnanimous in victory while those who lose out should take it easy. Nigeria is bigger than anyone. 

I have my candidates. I am hoping for the best and just pray it is not otherwise. But violence is not an option. INEC has assured us of a free and fair election. With the electoral act, everyone is hoping for a better organized, free, fair and credible election. There is also room for redress for aggrieved parties. I am totally against violence. Do not go killing fellow Nigerians or destroying properties. Let us do away with do-or-die politics. Please let Nigeria breathe.