IT is a sad fact that we can’t get all we want in a partner in just one package, making a chunk of women to choose a husband for ‘sensible’ reasons – momentarily forgetting the passion of the hot lovers they’d had in the past.  Why is it that men who are studs seldom make reliable husband material? 

This is the cross-roads Wura found herself when her fiancé, Abel recently proposed to her.  As the wedding date draws near, she is troubled if she should settle for the ‘Mr. Sensible and Reliable’ her fiancé is.  “Sex with him is ok” she said, “but it’s predictable and he’s very conservative.  As a very sensual person I like talking dirty during sex.  I also like adventurous sex especially romps outside the bedroom.  I’ve suggested all these to Abel tactfully, but he says things like that don’t turn him on.

“As things are now, his sex drive is quite low and mine is very high.  Whenever we’re in bed, I’ve tried steering him into more adventurous sex but he says, very decisively, that he’s not into it.  I haven’t tried other men since we became serious but whenever I have sex with him lately, I fantasise about sex with an ex of mine which was particularly hot – as a matter of fact, this ex brought out the best in me sexually.  He would give me oral sex even in semi-public places.  Now I think of him all of the time.

“I chose my fiancé for sensible reasons – he will make a responsible husband and father.  My ex was irresponsible and I didn’t trust him but we did have great sex.  I’m now very much confused.  I don’t want to get married and look for fulfilling sex on the side but I’m not sure I’m ready to give up on ever having good sex again by marrying him.”

Unfortunately, Wura’s problem is quite common.  As soon as a woman gets out of the university or starts work, the pressure is on for her to find a suitable husband and settle down.  That is why, in terms of choosing a partner for life, she is more likely to go for the prospective ‘perfect’ husband and father over someone untrustworthy and irresponsible.  But there’s rather an important factor that seems to be missing here – sexual chemistry. 

The other factor is the ability to compromise enough to please your partner – which is lacking in Abel, Wura’s fiancé.

Some years back, acting on a tip-off, Yeside’s husband virtually broke into her lover’s guest-room and caught both of them red-handed in a steamy romp.  “I didn’t know what he expected to find when he burst in,”  Yeside said sadly.  “Maybe he imagined us holding hands and sipping wine.  At worst having a passionate kiss. 

 But to find both of us in the throes of passion certainly turned him into a lunatic.  At first he stood in the middle of the room shell-shocked as my lover hurried to cover his modesty and dashed to the bathroom, locking the door.  I cowered as I expected my husband to react violently.  But he simply turned on his heels and flounced off.

“It was every adulterer worst nightmare.  My husband might be well-endowed but he was the wham-bam type who believed he was a God’s gift to women stud.  My lover was everything he could never be and was always considerate about wanting to please me.  It took all my courage to go back home and when I did, my husband was in the guest room – the door firmly locked.  I was having a fit-full sleep hours later when I felt hot lashes all over my body.  Shrieking with pain, I flew off the bed and he beat me some more – to the point where I nearly passed out.  I begged him to leave me alone so I could get out.  ‘Get out to where?’ he yelled.  ‘You mean you want to go back to that weedy lover of yours?”

“As he made to lash out again, our last child who was 11 came in, eyes wide opened in terror.  What’s going on dad?” he asked.  He quickly let go of me and I fled into the night.  My husband had never laid his hand on me until then, and whatever my offence, I didn’t think I deserved that much thrashing”, I reminded her that a lot of unfaithful wives had been shot for the same reason, and their husbands given less sentences for what is legally believed to be a ‘crime of passion’.  “Whatever,” she shrugged, “but I refused to go back for a long time.  The kids were old enough to look after themselves.  With so much hostility between us, I wouldn’t be comfortable in the house.”

Yeside’s problem with her husband was eventually resolved because the home was virtually falling to pieces.  Where there is sexual incompatibility a lot of couples find it a bit embarrassing to discuss it.  What they fail to realize is that the problem can be solved by meeting each other half-way and finding sexual compromises where both of them are satisfied.  Wura’s fiancé’s refusal to even try to please her sexually or take her needs and desires into consideration is quite worrying. 

 If he truly wanted to make her happy, he’d at least try to accommodate her rather than brush her off dismissively.  Is he inexperienced?  It could be he feels threatened by her desires because he feels out of his depth.  Or it could be an indication that the marriage is going to be run on his terms and this is not the only area he’s not willing to meet her halfway.  Sex isn’t the be all and end all but it is very important in a marriage, particularly for people with a strong sex drive like hers.

For those of you out-there having problems with sexual incompatibility, have a serious chat about it with your partner.  It is important to your relationship that your sex life is the best it could be and that both of you are happy.  Desiring a hot ex isn’t the solution. Let your partner know you love them and desire them but would like them to at least try some of the things you’d enjoy, or they should come up with some of their own suggestions of things they would be willing to experiment with.